I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
