His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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