I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
