I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
