Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
