I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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