Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
