The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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