So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
