I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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