You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i've created a new STD.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
