Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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