I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Randomize
