i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
