There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
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my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
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I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan