I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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