I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
