So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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