i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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