You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
