Pants 0. Shit 1.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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