She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
