Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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