I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.