I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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