The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
