After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
