I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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