if only i could text you this smell
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
