Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
