If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
