booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I want to be your penis for a week.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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