I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I woke up under a house in Key West
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
