i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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