I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
