Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
