I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
