I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
