I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
