Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
