I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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