just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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