just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
