i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
