Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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