Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
