Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Houston, we have a blender
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
