hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
