Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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