Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
