this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
