i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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