At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
