you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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