No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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