Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
