party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
